I Accept People, People Don't Accept me.

Dear blog,

Hey! I miss you so. This is a really mad world, isn't it?

Seriously, many things can happen within a month. Yet, some months are so uneventful, you can doze off. One good news to share first - I scored really well for TOEFL! =D 104/120! ^o^ I'm as happy as a lark! Thought I was going to waste money and score really badly for it.

Anyway, the TOEFL is over now! Time to move on. There are many other storms to weather. For once, I have the prelims coming up. This week I am having my holiday. I thought it was going to be wonderful. Expected myself to wake early every morning, which I did, have some fun and do some studying.

AGAIN, thanks to the oh-so-marvellous-almighty-QUEEN, EVERY THING is ruined. Just had to RUIN my mood. That's ALL she can do. Just can't be happy for me. No, of course not! She's jealous. Just can't live with me in harmony. No, of course not. I'm a child from hell. Will I go to heaven when it's my time to leave? I wonder.

I really do believe in heaven and hell. All I ever wanted to do was to live a peaceful life. Which is why I never yearned for the unneccessary excessively. Yeah, I do sometimes, but if I don't get it, then I don't! It's as simple as that.

This life of ours is so simple. Think of everything in a picture. It is so neatly laid out in front of you. All you have to do is to clear your mind and look at it. All of a sudden, you'll get what I mean. All the problems that you have, they are so tiny! Just open your mouth, and talk things out. Everything will be solved in no time.

Oh! But guess what? Of course there are always all these FACTORS that makes things that MUCH more difficult! FACTORS like the people whom you're speaking to. You try to talk nicely and in return, you get a good smack of screaming in your face. You try to talk nicely, and in return, they interpret your intentions negatively. You TALK to them nicely, and in return, everything is blamed onto you. It is, after all, your fault!

So why must simple things be made complex? I can never understand this concept of life. It drives the world mad, when it was initially serene and tranquil. Why go to the extend of killing your own mankind just for the sake of your selfish fetish?

I had a rough day yesterday. Today, a fortune cookie made my day. It said "Your Everlasting Patience Will Be Rewarded Sooner or Later." Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot thank you enough.

It really made my day. Now I know that PATIENCE is really the key. The patience that I am slowly losing control of. The patience that I once controlled so well because my world hadn't gone mad. The patience that is now the source of my misery too, because people are just taking it for granted, and when I really lose my temper, they started questioning me! "What happened to you? You used to be so patient!" "What's gotten into you! You were never like this in the past! You used to be so pleasant!"

Well, I think I have the perfect answer for that: Oh, fuck you!

I've really been trying my best and that fortune cookie really gave me a new light. PATIENCE. That's it, boy! That's all you need! Problems will be solved! No problems! Free! What more can I ask for?

So, I shall just lower myself to the level of the ground. STEP on my pride like a pile of dirt on the street. KILL myself for the sake of peace and tranquility. That is what I'm going to do. The house which I once knew as my sanctuary is gone. The house which used to be my safe harbour is no longer here.

The mad world out there which has always been the place where I put my mask on is still there intact. So what really happened? The mad world is still mad, but the house within is no longer peaceful. Now both places are mad and I am forced to put on a mask in both places. What has really happened here? I do not know. If by a mask I am to survive, then by a mask I shall be alive.

Logging off,
CCA.